A Mother's Mind

If you can't relate to this... Please tell me your secret! ;)

It's 3:53am. I have to pee.
"Ugh it's so cold though. And my kid is actually sleeping. I don't wanna get out of bed. Maybe I can hold it. Ugh who am I kidding I can never hold it."
I walk to the bathroom.
"Shit it's really cold in here. I wonder if he is warm enough. Oh yea I added that fleece blanket yesterday he's fine. Geez I really had to pee. I have to stop drinking so much water before bed. But if I don't I wake up so dehydrated. I have to stop eating salty shit before bed...that's the real problem."
I walk back toward bed.
"I gotta check on him. I'm sure he's fine. Just lay down. You gotta stop checking on him eventually. You're a loon"
I lay back down
"Ugh the one night I don't check on him though, god forbid. Ok relax...think of something relaxing. Ahh the beach. The waves...my feet in the cold sand. At night. Gray playing in the...shit I forgot to write the tuition check for his school. I'm never gonna remember to do that in the morning. Tuition tuition tuition. Don't forget!!! My memory sucks. I should start doing more brain activities..crosswords and shit. They give me such a headache though.  Ok the beach. Gray playing with his feet in the water. Splashing, laughing. God he's getting so big. I wonder when I'm gonna be ready to have another one. Oh god what if I had twins. I keep hearing about all these twins! And since when is your chance of having twins higher after age 30? Do they just make this shit up? Ugh I can't believe I'm 30! I thought Id have 2 kids by now. But I don't want a baby...I like my sleep too much. Oh shit sleep. Go back to sleep! Ok try counting your breaths...that helps. 1-2-3-4, hold 1-2-3-4, out 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. This can't work well...holding my breath stresses me out. Ok. 1-2-3- Oh fuck it...just go check on the kid.

Guilty of Having Goals!?

Guilty of having Goals!?

Let me paint a picture for you:

The house is silent…you are fabulously asleep…but you are abruptly awoken by a tiny finger stuck into your nose.  And of course the fact that it scared you half to death only forced you to fling forward and jam that little finger somewhere into your frontal lobe.

You then see the giant, squinty-eyed smile of the tiny human being you've created. "Mommy big nose" gets shouted a few times as you try to slither out of bed to get this tiny person back into theirs. But inevitably, you wake the dog…who sleeps under the covers with you?  I know - What were we thinking when we decided that was a good idea!? (Obviously before we had kids)

Dog steps on husband's crotch, who then proceeds to push dog into your face… your tiny human begins to giggle uncontrollably at the sound of dog's ears flapping and slobber being tossed across the room.  And before you even have a chance to figure out if the sun has risen yet, you realize your day is starting, regardless.

Ok. So it's 5:52. I have 3 options here:

Option A:

 I huff and puff, mumbling about the fact that I never get a full night sleep, while giving my sleeping husband a death stare as my son and I leave the bedroom…only to go battle over who gets to put the toothpaste on his toothbrush. (We either waste half a tube of toothpaste and I spend a few minutes cleaning the counter and sink, or there is a screaming fit that lasts about 25 minutes that involves the phrase "MY TURN" being screamed repeatedly) When I'm cranky I tend to take my "I'm in charge" role way too seriously, and we typically end up in the latter situation. Then…the whole morning is shot. I'm in a bad mood, my child is in a bad mood, every toy is thrown, every breakfast food I offer is "NO Mommy, I don't like it!" I start to feel bad for myself for being so exhausted, and all I want to do is sit on the couch with my coffee and have a chance to wake up.  But instead I have to deal with a crabby 2 year old. (However, if you recall, he's the one who woke up smiling…with his finger in my nose.)

Option B:

I desperately hold onto the hope that everyone will fall peacefully back to sleep for another solid hour or two.  This option typically leads to disappointment. When a 2 year old is awake and laughing…there's not much you can do about that! This option usually ends in a similar fashion to option A.

Option C:  

I sit up, deep breath. If I fake some energy, eventually it'll become real! I tell my son to go brush his teeth (then I clean the counter - who cares!) We pick out his outfit, and he pretends he knows how to dress himself while I throw on my gym clothes.  We head to the kitchen where I let him pick out some foods for breakfast that he can "help" make.  We chat; I get a bag packed while he eats, and we head to the gym. THE GYM! The beautiful place with heavy pieces of metal that have the power to clear your mind, give you energy, and make you awesome! And wait..they have what!? A giant room filled with all the toys a small child could dream of? And there are other children frolicking around this room…just waiting to play with my son!? And there are adults in there to supervise this!? I'M IN!

I have been asked, "Don't you feel selfish "dragging" your son to the gym every morning?"  Personally, I feel selfish on the days I don't…when I'm too tired to throw a ball to my son and chase after it. Or when I don't have the patience for all of his questions and end up being snippy to a little mind looking for some answers.  If you have read my articles in the past, you know that fitness has been my saving grace as a mother!  Bringing him to the gym in the morning makes us both have a better day together!

 For starters, my son LOVES the gym! He doesn't get to play with other kids when we are sitting around the house, so it's a blast for him to start his days this way. Now as for me, I am an exponentially better mom when I get a workout in. I understand we are all different, and maybe some women feel better off the weeks they get their nail appointment in, or a spa day. But for me…I need to lift, to get my blood flowing and heart racing. I need my endorphins! The gym is where I find my peace and my sanity.  I leave feeling refreshed and grateful - ready to spend our day the fun, playful way, with the patience and energy my son deserves!

Never let anyone make you believe that having personal goals as a mother somehow makes you selfish! If you are involved in this industry, you are a competitive person - not necessarily with others, but absolutely with yourself! If I have an off day as a mom…lose my patients, or find myself distracted from the one person I've vowed to center my life around, I end the day extremely disappointed in myself.  These goals I set for myself to get on stage keep me motivated to continue staying healthy and fit. When I stay on track in those areas, my entire mental stage is in a better place to be a better mom. That's where this passion stemmed from, and that's where it remains! 

So no…I never feel guilty for bringing my son to the gym in the morning! I feel pretty damn proud ! Proud of myself for recognizing my weaknesses as a parent and learning a healthy way how to overcome them … Proud that my son grows up in a house with parents who have passion and goals, and work hard for them… Proud of myself for being able to do that without missing a beat with my little boy.

SIDE NOTE: 

Dear husband - Don't pay any attention to this.  1. I would NEVER give you a death stare.  2. I will totally take a spa day anytime! ;)

Renee Mazza

www.facebook.com/fitmodmom